Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Damnit, Delaney, now I'm on a kick...

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.
Down south means Oklahoma.
Everyone in your family has been on a "float trip" before.
In August, you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:00 a.m.
A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F10 4x4 is. (Except in Johnson County)
More than once you've made a beer run to another state.
The terms Sooners and Huskers cause hairs on the back of your neck to stand up straight and your blood pressure to rise.
A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
A traffic jam is two drivers staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
Traffic congestion is ten cars waiting to pass a combine on the highway.
Using the elevator involves a wheat truck.
A short trip means going to Hutch to the fair or to Abilene to Ike's museum.
A long vacation means going to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun.
Without thinking, you wave to all oncoming traffic.
You are not surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition and bait all in the same store.
You can properly pronounce Basehor, Cimmeron, Schoenchen, Kechi, Chautauqua, Arkalalah, and Osawatomie.
You can see the grain elevator in the next town, which is 20 miles away.
You can tell it's a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.
You carry jumper cables in your car and make sure your better half knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You discover that in July it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.
You don't have to ask, "What's a Jayhawk?"
You end sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
You failed geography because you thought Peru, Havana, Manhattan, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, and Cuba were only cities in Kansas.
You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping, and look forward to it
You had at least one summer job that was bucking bales or custom cutting.
You have been asked, "Where is Toto?" more than once.
You have never met any celebrities. (Bob Dole isn't a celebrity; he's your neighbor.)
You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
You install security lights on your house and garage and then leave both unlocked.
You instantly know someone is from Johnson County when they call everything west of Topeka "Western" Kansas.
You know everything goes better with Ranch.
You know how spell "wash" but it still comes out "warsh" when spoken.
You know in your heart that K-State can beat Oklahoma in football.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
You know a few people who have hit more than one deer.
You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn, while still on the stalk.
You know the 4 seasons as: summer, road construction, still summer, winter.
You know the words to "Home on the Range."
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper
You like sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm.
You lock the doors to your truck but leave the windows rolled down.
You measure distance in minutes rather than miles.
You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You pronounce Arkansas differently when speaking of the state or river.
You really do think Sunflowers are beautiful.
You see a car running in the parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
You think of the major food groups as beer, beef, beans and Jell-O salad.
You think people who complain about the wind and weather in their states are SISSIES!
You think sexy lingerie is white tube socks and a flannel shirt.
You think that opening day of the deer season should be a national holiday.
You think the opening day of pheasant season is a national holiday.
You went to skating parties as a kid.
You'll pay for your kids to go to college...unless they want to go to OU or NU.
Your earliest driving lessons were in a field while picking up hay.
Your excuse for being late is the cows got out, and the boss accepts it
Your main drag in town is two blocks long.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You're totally unfazed by a squadron of B1 bombers flying overhead.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You've ever said, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity."
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
You've seen all the biggest bands but ten years after they were popular. are 100% Kansan if you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Kansas.

That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a guy in bib overalls?
It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
We all started hunting when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt our women.
Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.
Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for a shot.
The Jayhawks and the Wildcats are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch.
No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we only use two weeks a year.
Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
Yeah, we eat catfish, carp and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways - 35 goes the other two. Pick one.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church.
So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
No, we can't shoot the meadowlarks. They're song birds. Okay, even we feel a little stupid about that one.
Now, enjoy your visit and then go home


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